Devious Journal Entry

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Droemar's avatar
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I apologize, but I need to talk about my roommates.

:iconwadifahtook: Lauren Banks and her husband Killian Zimmerman became my roommate in December of last year through this journal: wadifahtook.deviantart.com/jou….

It was the first time that I had ever lived with someone aside from my own family. It was going to be a big step for me, but I took a deep breath and decided to trust and open my home. As an introvert suddenly struggling with social anxiety, I had to "step outside my comfort zone, give people the benefit of the doubt, and be a friend." At first, things went well. I guess there's always that grace period. Lauren Banks and I did art. We went to an SCBWI meeting. We talked politics and movies while she made tacos. We talked about her emotionally abusive mother and how they'd worked with mean, shallow people who smiled in your face before they stabbed you in the back living in Utah. I like having roommates. It was nice to have someone that I could trust and rely on. That hadn't happened a lot in my life.

Then suddenly things changed. Lauren stopped cooking. Stopped talking to me. Stopped buying groceries and toilet paper and paper towels. We didn't hang out anymore. They went out on hikes, I worked on my art and writing. And pretty much the only thing we did talk about when we crossed paths was the weather. I started to get the feeling they didn't like it here.

I was working a new job and struggling to get by. I tried to tell myself that my instincts were wrong. That my feelings that my roommates had suddenly become unhappy was paranoia born of my social anxiety.

But I couldn't shake it. I was being given the silent treatment, which, if anyone is in doubt, is a massive, massive red flag that you should not ignore. Ever.

I texted Lauren directly about a week ago. "Are you guys mad at me?" I received no reply. I chalked it up to her having cellphone trouble. And in truth, I was a little afraid of what the answer was and just trying to get through the work week.

Yesterday evening I drove up and found both of their cars missing. I joked to myself, "What, do you think they've left you?" I had some anxiety, but about fifteen minutes later I heard their car pull up and scolded myself. Killian was walking around the house while I was in the studio. I asked for the rent check. Killian said, "Give me about ten, fifteen, okay?"

Then they left.

I thought they'd gone for a hike.

Then, of all places, DeviantArt clued me in. Lauren had blocked me from her DA page. That was when my heart started to pound in my chest, my hands went cold, and I started to tremble from anxiety. What the fuck was I going to do? What the FUCK?

Then I got a text from Lauren. "Hey, Laura, your rent check is inside our bedroom door."

Telling myself I was wrong, that my instincts were wrong, I got up. And found that the room they'd been staying in was completely stripped bare.

They had moved out.

There was a letter to check with only half of my rent lying on the floor.

"Dear Laura. We can no longer stay at this location. You can keep our deposit. We wish you the the best of luck in your life."

I felt like I'd been kicked in the chest by a horse. I stood there, in my empty house, wracked with anxiety and bewildered by what had just happened to me. Suddenly, and out of nowhere, we weren't just not roommates anymore, we weren't even friends. I discovered that I had  been de-friended on Facebook. They didn't pick up their cells. I was reduced to leaving voicemails that I have no doubt will be deleted.

I had been abandoned by people who had told me over and over how terrible it was to be treated like they didn't matter. In a move of amazingly calculated cruelty, they'd quit and fled. Knowing full well how terrible they were acting, they'd run like dogs with their tails between their legs.

I sobbed my sorry heart out and spent most of the night trying not to let my twisted stomach get the better of me. I struggled not to blame myself, because mature and responsible people would have said something to me. They would have come forward and said, "Hey, this isn't working. We need to leave." I wasn't a tyrant. I hadn't even asked them to sign a lease. I couldn't have made them stay if I'd wanted to.

At this point, what other recourse do I have but to try and tell how badly I've been hurt? I have no forwarding address. No idea where they are. And what could I do if I found them? Tell them they made me break down in tears like a stupid little baby? Tell them they made me feel like shit?

I'm angry at myself for being blind. For being so trusting. This is WHY I have social anxiety, because I've been taught that people suck. And I'm so, so hurt that I wasn't worth a civil conversation or a mature dialogue. I was worth abandonment. I was worth half a rent check and skipping town. That's all I was, after 9 years of being friends with Lauren via Internet, and after trying to give her a place for her and her husband to stay, I thought I had beaten the odds on who to let into my home.

I know I'm the wronged one here. Hell, they know it. They ran like guilty people too ashamed to face what they were doing. It's just that I think back on the good times that I had with her as a friend, and it's all been poisoned. All I can do is get dressed for work and try to get through the day, battling the demons that are telling me somehow I deserved this because I was stupid, stupid, stupid.

If you have someone you're keeping shit from right now, please go tell them. Don't just sit on the silence. Don't tell yourself you're afraid of confrontation, that it'll end up in a fight, an explosion of feelings to be avoided at all costs. Do your best to tell them what's going on. Because the worst about all of this is that the people I had judged to be steadfast and honest people are nothing more than terrible hypocrites and liars, who will go through life convincing themselves they're not bad people because they just ran.

Feel free to let them know that. Because I sure can't.

I'm still blocked from Lauren's DA page.
© 2013 - 2024 Droemar
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akeli's avatar
I get that you feel bad, that you're hurting, but I kind of doubt that Lauren would just "suddenly" stop doing those things for no reason? She's a really nice person from what I've seen of her (though I admit, we haven't talked a lot compared to other friends I have). While its true that people should communicate instead (I'm with you there), why would they suddenly feel the need not to talk to you anymore?  It seems like there is another side to the story, or at least a big chunk missing, and its really not fair of you to post a gigantic rant on Deviantart about someone and spray their personal life (and yours) all over the internet.